Category Archives: Misc

Tattoos

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I have six tattoos. It’s a hobby of mine, albeit it’s an expensive hobby that I don’t get to indulge in often enough.

Each one is meaningful to me. I put a lot of thought into them and I have no regrets.

For a while, I was doing one per year. Then I stopped for several years. In anticipation of my big travel plans coming up, I want to get some new ink! What to choose, what to choose…

Let’s discuss. But first, the background on my present state.

I got my first tattoo when I was 21. It was the Disinformation logo:

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A little out of order, keep in mind

That’s Disinformation Press, the counter-cultural alternative media publishers. I was very into them at the time. Read all their books, such as EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG and YOU ARE BEING LIED TO among others. See the website Disinfo.com, which is unfortunately not what it used to be. The logo is supposed to be red on white, but I was told black is better and I do think that works.

The only disappointing part was that people would always ask my why I tattooed the Napster logo. So annoying. Thankfully nobody says that anymore, because Napster is no longer a thing. These days, occasionally someone says it looks like a cat not a devil’s head, but I’m still for it.

Next, I got a simple Icthys, otherwise known as the Jesus Fish. Why would I get this, you ask? Well there’s more to this fish than you know. One theory I enjoyed purports that it is a map of three-dimensional holographic reality by superimposing two flat circles which are Gnostic meta-universes (perhaps Heaven and Hell). Thank Grant Morrison’s the Invisibles graphic comics series for that. However, that interesting theory doesn’t hold up to further research. In truth, historical records show that various ancient pre-Christian civilizations used this symbol as a female fertility symbol. Turn it sideways, clockwise. Get it? It’s the most graphic of female parts, right there!

I decided to keep going with that pattern, I wanted to cover my body with various occultic logos from all over. Next stop, that most meditative of endocrine system metaphors, the chakras.

You might think I regret it how it turned out, but I don’t. Yes I’ve been accused of having a tramp stamp.

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Damn I was so thin back then

Continue reading →

Part 2: Doing LSD at Burning Man

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Part 2, the continued story of How I Came to China: Burning Man

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After my amazing week of sights and sounds on the Black Rock desert scene, the amazing people I met and the beautiful visuals and even a few hookups, it all culminated in the final night – in which they Burn the Man – and then I got to take LSD.

Now, the psilocybin mushroom is my drug of choice. I have the most experience with it, I am a big fan of Terence McKenna’s spiritual theories on the subject, and I believe that the therapeutic aspects of these experiences literally saved my life during a sensitive time in my upbringing. It’s natural, healthy [aminita muscaria is the shamanic poisonous mushroom, psilocybin is completely nontoxic, I do know what I’m talking about on this subject], and extremely powerful. It’s a psychedelic and obviously non-addictive (come on, a psychedelic trip is something to do once every few months at the most), and I’ve never even come across any law enforcement official who gives a shit about mushrooms. Something I certainly recommend for everybody, and hey to each their own.

I heard there were shrooms going around the Burner community, but I wouldn’t like to do it in a party atmosphere. It’s unfortunate that entheogens tend to turn up when you’re around loud noises and crowds, better to do it in times of quiet contemplation. Set and setting, very important.

Anyway, the twilight of the event and there were parties of dancing naked people around the periphery of the immense burning statue and I wandered as much as I could to seep in each and every sensory perception. I met some nice Australian couchsurfers and they mentioned acid and we actually did the barter economy thing. I traded my indie comic for a tab—how cool is that?

This was my first and only time with LSD, at least with good LSD. I’m not opposed and would very much like to try it more often but it’s just been so elusive for me. I’m just not that cool to have the proper vibe. Perhaps the universe is trying to tell me something. That’s okay, I’ve had plenty other.

These days, South China tends to have a lot of party drugs, the kind that are more shallowly fun and dangerous. Sadly it’s not a psychedelically-inclined place. That’s Rising China, nothing deep of substance here. But I’m not complaining, the nice economical thing about true psychedelics is you can take it once every few decades that that can be plenty.

This was a plentiful dose indeed. I found the lysergic acid diethylamide chemical to be far more euphoric than psilocybin. Not scary, no bad tripping episodes. The hallucinations were more subtle, things bending and stretching and amazing colors when I close my eyes but not quite the intense melting sensations of organics. Less nausea-inducing than my other psychedelic experiences as well, such as ayahausca.

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Back to the story at hand. For the next twelve hours I was gleefully rolling around on the sandy playa. Kind passersby would ask me if I was okay, and I’d say I was fine and had no self-conscious issues at all. I looked up at the stars to see one of the most stunning sights of my life, as you can see the real sky when you’re in the desert, and suddenly I understood how the ancients conceived of constellations. I saw infinite UFOs connecting the dots of star points with streams of light dancing upon infinity…

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How I came to China: Burning Man

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Me

The time has come for these posts to get autobiographical. I do have a few stories worth telling, and now’s the time to tell them.

Let us start at the relative beginning. By the beginning, I mean the beginning of my expat life. Not that it wasn’t interesting before that, but let’s have some continuity.

It’s like this: Whenever you go to a party and meet someone, after the obligatory questions of “Where are you from?” and “What do you do?” are over with, one common question is to be asked is “How did you get to China?” It’s a fair query and I’ve asked it myself. My story is a bit complicated and concerns a desert rave festival. So here it is…

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It was the summer of 2008 and I was a tad anxious. I’d lived in Long Beach in Southern California for three years, a cool city part of greater Los Angeles County, and I’d just finished a run at a lame office job. Before that, the proverbial server gig and college credits. Somehow my goals of becoming a famous screenwriter hadn’t come to much fruition. I was a bit in between things and trying to figure out my next step. Meanwhile, I was all set to go to Burning Man!

I had already been to Burning Man for the first time in 2007. If you don’t know it, google pictures of it immediately. There are already plenty of writings out there about this extreme music and arts festival, and now it is my turn to have a go at my own “this one time at Burning Man” story.

Firstly, one needs to know the basics. Continue reading →

My bookshelf lately

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By no means comprehensive, this is how my bookshelf happens to look lately.

See anything interesting? China books, science fiction, literary.

Discuss.

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Studying for the HSK

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Taxi drivers are easily impressed. Servers less so. But no matter how many times I hear “Your Chinese is so good!” I know it’s not true. In fact, it loses meaning the more I hear it.

I’ve been in China almost six years. I bought textbooks upon textbooks, I rote-wrote thousands of characters, begged my friends to help me study, listened to all the free ChinesePod podcasts I could get my digital hands on, emptied out my flashcards, and read three whole children’s books. But I’ve been in a bit of a slump lately. Really, my Chinese should be better by now.

Shoulda listened to that advice years ago to ditch all my expat friends and only hang out with Chinese. Me and my English-bubble lifestyle~

(If I do say so myself, I still think my writing is not bad for a foreigner. I’ve been told my handwriting is like a child’s, but that’s still better than most foreigner’s even the ones who are totally fluent and literate. This is because I studied Japanese in high school and college and at least I got that headstart, although besides kanji the languages are quite different. One day I’ll blog about survival-Japanese while wandering Tokyo…)

I have no natural ability at language—just as I have no natural ability at writing. Simply gotta work hard at it, long as it takes. Can’t blame it on my Anglosphere background either; my overachieving younger sister speaks four languages totally fluently. You’d think I’d have the language gene but I don’t. And I didn’t study Chinese young, the first of it was reading a phrasebook on the plane ride over to learn pinyin basics. I moved here when I was 26, mostly a fully-formed grownup (mostly but not completely), isn’t that relatively old in learning-new-languages age?

So, for years I’ve been able to go shopping and order what I like to eat from menus and travel by myself and ask for directions and yell at taxi drivers and tell kids to be quiet and introduce myself, and of course ask where the toilet is. It’s no longer enough.

I need more. I need something that validates I learned something in my years abroad. I need something to put on my resume. I need a piece of paper.

I have since given in and been seeing a qualified Mandarin tutor for the past few months, and I plan on taking the HSK 4 test later this year. That’s ‘Hanyu Shuiping Kaoshi ‘ 汉语水平考试, (四级). No pinyin, lots of listening, lots of grammar, writing, etc. I got the proper books, I meet my teacher once a week at KFC and I do my homework and now onwards and upwards. The reading is easiest. In speaking, I feel my tones are mostly okay—more or less intuitive at this stage—but I need to form longer sentences. More vocabulary. Remembering stroke order without and how to write without looking at my phone. Counters. Idioms. Again, grammar grammar grammar. The passive form 被/把 particularly confounds me. SO MUCH TO LEARN.

Wish me luck and 加油!

 

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And finally, some handwriting

 

Expat demos part the second: Good Businessmen & Evil Businessmen

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In our last section we went over the English teacher dilemma. Suffice to say, many are losers but not all. Now on to my personal classifications for those with real jobs. Again, forgive me for generalizing but it’s too much fun and isn’t that what we humans do…

 

Good Businessmen: Your average fellow who happens to work here. Maybe they’re interested in China and came on purpose and learn the language, but it’s also possible they were relocated here and make the most of it. Either way they aren’t the complainy type.

Long-term or short-term, they respect others and are citizens of the world and know how to conduct themselves with dignity. It’s no big deal to be in China, it’s simply a good place to work and live. The more ambitious ones start their own company, trading or whatever, and make good money and contribute to the world well enough.

I’ve particularly met a lot of cool Germans of this variety. Point is, they are quality people who work here and act like they would anywhere else in the world. These are expats worth networking with at parties, and most of all worth making friends with.

 

Evil Businessmen: Personally, I’d argue that the arrogant rich trader doesn’t get enough of a bad rap in the expat scene.

Some people might be easily impressed by such big spenders, but I just know there’s something off about them. They complain, they don’t want to learn the language, and deep down they seem hostile to it all behind their sales-trained smiles. Most of these guys aren’t even that rich, they’d be middle managers back home but abroad they think they are so damn big shit.

There is a tinge of racism and classism that one can sense as well. Sometimes it’s not about sensing at all, sometimes it’s blatant racism. Sexism too, more on that below.

This kind of expat has a privileged background and has come to this poor country to do whatever he wants. The locals are seen as merely the servant class meant to massage his feet (or elsewhere) and serve him food and work in his factory. Any friendships to be made are rather shallow and condescending.

Note this sort of expat never ever makes friends with Chinese males. But how very interested he is in local females. Here’s the sexist part– listen to the ol’ rant about how feminism has ruined the women back home, and he prefers uneducated Asians for their docile submissiveness as well as allowance for cheating. He might even be fine with outright paying for it and uncomfortably likes to tell you so, complete with details about his latest Southeast Asian business trip.

Let me just say it, there are a whole lot of these very old men with very young girls. Perhaps we’ve all had May-December romances in our past or present, mistakes to learn from or maybe a true love for the ages. It is kinda natural for girls to be attracted to mature men, and for men to like younger women. Yet, once you start getting into twenty-year gaps, upwards to thirty or forty, let us simply agree that is creepy and more than a tad undignified. I know way too much: the American in his forties in open relationship with　teenager, the Brit in his sixties with a stream of twenty-something girls around him. Am I being ageist; are they supposed to be breaking down generational barriers or something? Come on. OK, moving on from that subject now.

There are all stripes out there. Nobody’s perfect and some may lean towards these general aspects without being that bad, some are more decent than others. But I’ve met some true sociopaths in this world, and they have a talent for masking their evil with material success. Watch out. I’m serious.

Call me bitter, but I never cared much for expats of that ilk.

 

That should about cover it. Am I on to something? Or am I being too harsh? I have left out plenty, but don’t you see someone you know? How about reflections of yourself? Let’s discuss.

And I might as well put it out there: guess which demo(s) go for me…

Expat Demographics in 4 Quadrants part the first: Loser English Teachers and Cool English Teachers

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In my latest post, I shall attempt to categorize the demographics of the mainland Chinese expat in four quadrants. Just a theory of mine I like sharing. Please note this is very much generalization. It is not meant to encompass all foreigners, it’s about Westerner expats and their scene. In fact, this mostly goes for males so I’m going to assume masculine terms below. Forgive me for painting with a broad brush, there are degrees and exceptions but I think it by and large counts.

Often the casual observer makes an even simpler observation on expat demos; there are loser English teachers, and everybody else. There is more than a kernel of truth in that stereotype to be sure, but I hope to be a bit more detailed so as a to give a break to our ESL friends and simultaneously not give a break to some other sorts.

It breaks up as so: Loser English Teachers & Cool English teachers, and Good Businessmen & Evil Businessmen

 

Loser English Teachers: This is an archetype we all know well. The dropouts, the drunks at clubs, the young and (sadly, sometimes very) old who don’t seem to be employable anywhere else in the world and tend to have no skill sets and are only hired because of a foreign face. It’s downright profiling.

Not necessarily native-English speakers at all, they can hail from any country in the world and simply bounce from one ‘performing monkey’ job to the next. The blond Russians, the aloof central Europeans, and some seriously awkward French-Canadians.

The native speakers themselves are more often than not terrible at English, especially in writing, and obviously have no business teaching anything. Yet here they are. The Australians with serious alcoholism issues, the Americans with barely a high school education, the British sex addicts.

They drink, they party, they fuck, and they learn nothing. And, without being too crass, let’s just say they are into Asian chicks. And they generally can’t get chicks back home. You surely know what I mean.

It should be noted, however, that as China has progressed these past years the average Chinese female citizen is not so easily impressed by a white face and expects more. Time to learn some new skill sets, people.

Simply put, these guys are not TEFL-certified and the desperate shady schools that hire them are not doing a service to their students at all.

 

Cool English Teachers: But it’s not all bad. A lot of people take up the opportunity to move to China because they are actually interested in Chinese culture. They might go after graduation, or later in life to reinvent themselves, perhaps take advantage after a gap year of backpacking, and ESL is an easy enough job to see the world and get your foot in the door in China.

They might party, but that’s not all they do. With more long-term plans in mind, they learn Mandarin and can eventually get jobs in other fields. Then there are the very long-term expats who settle down here and raise families as well.

Anyway, no shame in being that kind of ESL guy at all, and I for one think they are undeservedly lumped in with the losers. As for teaching, credentials aren’t everything and there are solid people out there who just have a knack. There’s my defense.

What do you think? Recognize any expat friends up there? Ever taught English yourself, where do you fall on the scale?

(Btw, a group I notice left out is the qualified international school teacher. Like, they can teach math and actually majored in teaching. That is a wholly different animal, more like the Good Businessman than anything else as far as being people with “real jobs” who just happen to work in China. With that…)

Part the second, Good Businessmen & Evil Businessmen, to be continued…

In case you missed it: Chinese copycats target the Colbert Report

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In case you missed it: Chinese copycats target the Colbert Report.
TheNanfang.com

Chinese bootleggers have done it again. American satirist Stephen Colbert was recently surprised to find that the Chinese news comedy show the Banquet (夜宴) has completely plagiarized his opening. From the epic “Iron Man jump” graphics to the theme song, “Baby Mumbles” by Cheap Trick. It’s a total knockoff.

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/432450/january-23-2014/china-s-colbert-report-rip-off

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Video Archive

Keeping in with his television character, Colbert’s vain persona was very happy to reach the potential Chinese audience of 400 million. “Folks, this is nothing more than wholesale theft… and I love it.” Colbert proceeded to hilariously pander to Chinese audience, sarcastically of course, by making them more comfortable with some familiar smog.

But Colbert (or his writers) made a bit of a laowai mistake, saying mantouare eggs.

He concluded by demanding that the Banquet invite him to China. Let’s wait and see if they take up his invitation.

The Atlantic has reported that some Chinese netizens were not amused. “This is down-right plagiarism: Absolutely shameless. I hate this kind of thing,” said a young woman on Weibo. “With the great popularity of The Colbert Report, don’t you know how easily Colbert can make a laughingstock out of China, and ensure the whole world knows about it?” remarked ‘Coolgirl1982’.

The Banquet apparently has taken those critiques into consideration and now has a new intro. Meanwhile, American comedy does seem to be growing in popularity in China. Saturday Night Live now being legitimately streamed on Sohu with official Chinese subtitles.

In 2012 fellow late-night host Conan O’Brian was also copied by Internet show Dapeng. He took it rather well after an apology was given and actually offered a free opening graphic for the perpetrator.

As the English chengyu goes, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Also on The Nanfang:

Finding new restaurants near work. yay.

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The further mundanity of my exciting life (now imagine that very monotone)

Always trying to discover new restaurants near work, can’t you relate?

Finding a consistent lunch locale. Still exploring the neighborhood, I seem to have the choice of daily eating at Pizza Hut or Starbucks (a Korean restaurant in there too) – a fun treat from time to time but not feasable on a daily basis – or your favorite gutter oil cheapo snacks from Lanzhou to Shaxian. I still haven’t found have that Platonic-ideal of restaurant I’ll become a regular at. There’s always McD’s and KFC but I refuse. The best would be those HK-style diners, know what I mean, where you can get awful sandwiches but delicious Chinese-style curry, Mmm.

Yet yesterday I may have found something good enough. A little teahouse type restaurant, nice atmosphere, wifi, english menu (not that I need it if I may so brag), and so on. Not much of a selection, but they do have curry. Vegetable curry even. With my picky diet there’s only so much I’ll eat, and I was very happy to find that. While the rest of the country and the world fall apart, I have my minor victories. yaaaay.

Any other recommendations for good lunch spots in the Jingtian area out there?

Now just need to find a place here that sells tomato-eggs rice…

Daily Adventures 1

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The first of my series of mundane daily adventures. Enjoy, or rather don’t, the point is I’m posting it.

So yesterday my bathroom door was broken, and I had to call a locksmith. I didn’t want to bother my landlord with more of my endless problems, so downstairs the doorman directed me to an appliance shop all nearby and convenient. But it was lunchtime and the guy wouldn’t come for another hour. Luckily my luxurious apartment has two bathrooms, but I still hadn’t brushed my teeth. Gross I know.

I watched cartoons and then he came over and fixed it and it cost only 20. Crisis averted. Ah the minor victories.

Cities: From Best to Worst. You?

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In my thirty years, I have lived in these seven cities. Not travel, I speak of paying rent. American midwest to SoCal to Guangdong, but I think its a decently broad spectrum. I can only speak of my own experience, but I hereby calculate each city in order of of objective awesomeness:

 

– Shenzhen, China

– Long Beach, California

– Guangzhou, China

– Cincinnati, Ohio

– Los Angeles, California

– Indianapolis, Indiana

– Irvine, California

 

Now you list yours:

Dear Whiney Spoiled Expat,

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What is with this universal archetype of the complainy expat? I’m not saying life is all good here, its obviously not, but there seems to be some very common process of a westerner voluntarily coming to developing Asian countries and then proceeding to constantly complain. Let us analyze this phenomenon…

If we just call a spade a spade, can’t y’all admit that the good outweighs the bad! Just own it, laowai. There are advantages and disadvantages to everything, but being a westerner in big Chinese cities is quite obviously a good thing. So a few taxi drivers rip you off or you paid 12 yuan more for a knockoff bag, is that really so worthy of self-pity? You know you can afford it and have an infinitely nicer life than 99% of the local population. I contend that you just like to complain.

It is almost tantamount to celebrities expecting you to feel sorry for them due to all the hardships of their wealth and fame. In fact, that may be the universal human trait right there: to have so many things going for you and then still be unhappy. The more privileged and rich and the milking of their whiteness (and btw the more their job leaves them with freetime to troll the internet), the more these kind of expats like to complain about their sorry lot in life.

The logical conclusion begs this question: why don’t you just move? Are you spoiled people really that unable to control your own lives and live in a place that doesn’t warrant so much negativity? Just move somewhere better, ah-duh.

What do we learn from all your astute points? Are we going to learn anything and do anything about it, is this but therapeutic venting, or are you simply trying to make me us unhappy as you because you are a selfish asshole? I don’t want to hear any more sob stories about dirty villagers and stupid girls and incompetent work colleagues and bad shopping. At least balance it out a bit with the occasional slightly upbeat topics. Don’t you know how unoriginal you are?

That is not to say that rising China doesn’t have important problems that need to be addressed. I particularly enjoyed reading The China Price by Alexandra Harney and Under Mao’s Shadow by Phillip Pan for serious journalistic takes on current political and economic challenges. As for other more broader complaints about China as a whole, I wholeheartedly reject doom and gloom scenarios about the real estate bubble that’s going to lead to civil war that’s going to lead to Mad Max. Any day now. Wait up, any day now! I’m still waiting, been waiting for years. Might I call it the Glen Beck school of Sinology, these endless predictions that never ever come true. Be a tad more realistic and I might just pay attention to what you have to say m’kay 🙂

Of course, in my personal life I do have a few complaints of my own. I try to have some perspective, keep my observations at the very least 60/40 positive/negative. But if you want to know the truth, my number one complaint is being vegetarian in China. Its not their fault, they just don’t understand it, but man o man coming from California to here it is dang frustrating how nobody respects such a diet. Just last night I went to a classy Thai restaurant that you’d think knows better, I specifically asked for no chicken, and then they gave me chicken. This happens several times a month.

Still, forgive me for not constantly harping and harping about how sad it is. I have a simple philosophy for a low-stress life that has done me wonders, I get over it.

Well I’m going to go collect my 5 mao now.

Let’s discuss here, or follow along on my other blog…
http://www.shenzhenstuff.com/profiles/blogs/dear-whiney-spoiled-expats

Welcome to my blog, preliminary introductions ~

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Well everyone, welcome to my blog. It’s been a while since I’ve been down this blogging path, but here I go again.

I am based in China. But I don’t want to have the typical expat China blog, all about “wow its so crazy here and I want to complain!” I may post some funny experiences from time to time, yet what I’m really interested in is sharing my writings.

I’ve lived here for five years. Primarily in Shenzhen, one year in Guangzhou but I like Shenzhen better so I moved back. This city is, by the way, a Special Economic Zone that was the leader of China’s rapid economic rise. It is in the tropical Southern province of Guangdong. Guangzhou is the capital, 3rd largest city and it turned out to be a bit too epic for me. For perspective on how immensely large these Asian megacities are, Shenzhen is bigger than New York and its not even the top ten here.

Shenzhen also borders Hong Kong, which is kinda sorta China but not really kinda sorta China. Don’t get me started on the pseudosovereignty issue, but suffice to say Hong Kong is a great bastion of freedom and I love it (but why don’t I live there?) and its a bit expensive there.

Even before moving here, I wrote fiction. I am a freelancer, and if you guess my main part-time job that pays the rent I’ll give you a prize. I do some English language journalism pieces on occasion, a google of my name and “Shenzhen” will show some that I’ve published, but those are not the most interesting things I’m interested in promoting. I’ll share some links from time to time.

A common question asked is “What brought you to China?” That story involves the Burning Man festival in 2008, maybe illicit substances, and that drunk conversation we’ve all had in which we vow to embark on some big project and then when sobriety comes we forget all about it. This time I stuck with it and came here. I liked the place, so I stayed.

That’s it for now. Stay tuned for excerpts, links, and hopefully a good read or two.